Political Struggles in the British Isles

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title = “Political Struggles in the British Isles”
author = [“Nathan”]
date = 2022-02-06
draft = false
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>be me
>16:00 wake up in my flat above georgian era pub
>16:03 go downstairs for a drink
>ask The Major (my landlord, bartender and employer) why the pub is so quiet
>he informs me that the pub has been sold
>the doorway implodes
>we are immediately hit by an enormous wrecking ball operated by a drunk polish man
>climb out of the rubble
>first time outside the pub for seven years
>notice a sign put up by a chinese development company
>”we are turning your pub into an ugly block of apartments that looks like a penis”
>16:07 spend my last fiver on half a sandwich from pret
>decide to kill myself
>will jump off the tower of london
>tallest building in the UK, has 3 floors
>pass 9 more prets on the way to the station
>16:10 arrive at station
>its closed
>16:11 shoved at gunpoint onto rail replacement bus by BTP officer
>02:13 rail replacement bus arrives at the tower
>the apartment complex back home is now finished and owned by saudi property investors
>02:16 i join the queue for the British Suicide Platform
>10:30 halfway through the queue
>ancient yeoman guard asks for my NHS covid QR code
>explain to him that its buried under a giant penis
>he immediately sentences me to death
>i smile as i now get to skip the queue and have someone else throw me off the tower
>i fall only 2 floors worth of height
>fall broken by enormous pile of bodies
>severely injured
>10:42 go to A&E
>04:17 leave A&E after being told by unpaid 17 year old indian practitioner to walk it off
>consider getting a job
>grumble to myself about having no skills or talents and being lazy
>street surveillance microphones hear me
>immediately stuffed into a van with a bag on my head
>the bag is taken off
>sadiq khan is standing in front of me
>he offers me a job at TfL
>i object to this, saying that no matter how much he pays me i wont work for him
>i realise my error but it is too late
>”then you’re already basically a TfL employee”
>my fate is sealed
>04:25 i get out of the seat i was put in
>sadiq sees this and decides im overqualified to be a tube driver
>be made head of TfL
>be personally given TfL’s debt
>not able or legally allowed to die until i pay it off
>ask sadiq why TfL is so poor
>”its cos of the elizabeth line”
>”also we keep missing our government quota for suicide bodies on the tracks because of the strikes and closures”
>he asks if i want to stop spending 1 trillion pounds weekly on building the elizabeth line
>decide to continue building the line, but have it serve as a mass grave
>05:01 move the pile from the tower of london to the elizabeth line tunnels
>hit the quota by technicality
>immediately quit my job
>05:16 i jump off the tower of london
>07:48 public rail stations across the country build statues in my memory for fixing TfL
>09:20 rishi sunak seizes power in a coup
>brings back franchising and tears down my statues in deborisization